You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
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just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
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When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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