Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize