why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
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i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize