Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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