I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
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I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
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You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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