a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
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She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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