the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
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If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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