I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
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I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
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I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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