he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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