The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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