There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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