Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
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Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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