i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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