go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
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You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My vagina is officially offended.
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I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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