Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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