so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Everything about him screamed your future.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
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i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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