I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
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Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
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I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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