drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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