I feel like I'm in dance class right now
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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