i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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