youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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