The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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