Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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