i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
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all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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