It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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