There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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