alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
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there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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