I love black thongs
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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