Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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