I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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