that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
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I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
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He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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