dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
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Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
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Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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