I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
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Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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