I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
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He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
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So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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