The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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