Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize