apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
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I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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