Are we in a gay sports bar?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
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Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
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Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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