i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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