I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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