U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
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Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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