You're so nebulous sometimes
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
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I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
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You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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