i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
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Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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