We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
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I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
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I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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