A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
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I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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