I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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