Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
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I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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