I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
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Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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