At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
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We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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