you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
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So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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